Doc, Break it to me gently!

(an entry from my former blog)

Babala: ang inyong mababasa ay naglalaman ng masyadong kadramahan!


Being obsessively secretive is part of my personality. However, it was innate. It originated from my childhood days. There were a lot of unpleasant incidents that confronted me, which I think were inappropriate for a child to bear. My family, especially my parents didn’t have a single idea of what has happened to me during those days. I kept them within the vicinity of myself. As a result, being secretive became natural to me.

A few people know the real me. The real jeszie. And these people are my friends for the past 5 yrs. They’re the ones who truly know everything about me. Including this revelation that I’m gonna divulge today through this post. I’ve been keeping this sort of secret for the last 6 yrs. I was just then 12 yrs old when I first realized that my life would never be the same again. I kept it within myself because I was afraid that if people would get to know my situation, they might treat me differently. And I didn’t want that. I tried so hard to stay normal, to keep my life as is. Although my situation was already initiating me the pain. One wrong move and they might get the idea. But today, I’m ready to tell this to all the people. I’m gonna shout to the world what I’ve been going through. And my story starts here.

Kids will always be naughty, impish and hyperactive. Not because they have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), but because they’re kids. What do you expect? Kids love to explore new things on their own. It’s part of their growing up, where they get to learn a lot of things on their own. All of us went through this stage of human’s life cycle. I’ve been through this stage. And included on this package of this stage, is having different diseases. It’s normal to acquire these diseases if you’re just a kid. Part of your growing up.

During my childhood days, I had asthma. So everytime I got really tired and exhausted, rest assure that seconds later, I’ll be gasping for breath. Then my mom would immediately rush me to the clinic, where i get medications. These were just usual to me and my parents. My dad also had asthma.

One instance during my sixth grade days, my mom brought me to the clinic. I just couldn’t remember what the reason was, it was not something serious though. It was just I think, a fever, I really couldn’t remember. But we didn’t expect that the process would be that time-consuming and tedious. When the doctor was assessing me, I sort of sensed that there’s something that this doctor was not telling me. Especially when she placed her stethoscope over my 5th intercostal rib (w/c I still didn’t know during that time!). After the physical assessment, the doctor talked to my mom, and she told her that I had to undergo certain tests to assure that "thingy" that she wanted to be assured of. So, together with yaya, (my parents were always not available to be with me, co’z they had worked. Very seldom it happens, when my mom goes with me.) I underwent Xray, ECG (electrocardiograph, which i found really creepy!) to cut it off, the doctor told us that it should be the mom who had to be with me when she tries to assess the results. So, my mom absent herself from work, just to hear this horrible news. And as verbalized by the doctor:

“Mommy, based po dito sa result ng ECG ni jessie,
positive po, MAY RHEUMATIC HEART DISEASE PO SIYA.”

Upon hearing those words, a surge of freezing cold sensation struck my thoracic cavity. My heart was pounding so hard. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t ask, I couldn’t say anything. That time, I barely know anything about this rheumatic heart disease, but one thing I was so sure of, was that, it’s a heart disease. SAKIT SA PUSO! I kept throwing questions to myself. How on earth did I acquire this? What’s gonna happen to me? ain’t I’m too young to have this? Am I gonna die through heart attack?

Now my life would never be the same again. Now I know why sometimes, i would feel excruciating pain on my chest. I have a heart disease No. 1 cause of death in the Philippines. Why me? I’m too young for this. But I couldn’t do anything. Even my parents. I could see dreadfulness emanating from my mom's face.

The news was like a virus, it immediately spread to my relatives in batangas and some in surigao. And whenever we go there, I know, my titas and titos, were talking about me. About my situation. It just pissed me off when they treat me like, I’m already dying.

My doctor told my mom that the medication would be within 5 yrs. If the disease wouldn’t abate, then I’d be terminally ill.

The medication was another thing that I really hate about this disease. Once it’s injected, life to me would be really catastrophic. The pain was like, killing me. it’s injected on my right gluteus maximus, or butt area, (that’s why I got a lot of scars over there.) plus it was direct IV I think, or maybe intramuscular that’s why the pain was really exceptional! Another thing is, after the injection, I couldn’t walk properly for 2-3 days because of the pain. And the medication was every after 28 days. Just imagine that, for 5 yrs! ugh..

But the medication didn’t continue. When my doctor migrated to states, my mom and dad decided to stop it. And I agreed to it because the pain was just tormenting me. We were confident that in time, GOD the Great Healer would take this away from me. I was supposed to stop it on my first yr college. But I ceased taking it during 2ND yr high school. And since then, Frequent Chest pains would strike me. And the pain was really unbearable. It was like someone had just casted one of the unforgivable curses to me, the CRUCIATUS CURSE. It has always been an excruciating pain. And I never told my parents about these attacks. I didn’t want them to worry about me. I kept it to myself. Even to my classmates, and friends especially in college. They didn’t know anything about this. Not until they’ve read this post.

And to all of you, who know me, if you could just remember, those times when I had to postpone our gimmicks and stuff, when I didn’t attend our meetings, gatherings and all, it’s not because of those lies that I’ve told you, but they’re because of this. I was combating myself against the attack. I wanted to come so badly. But I just couldn’t.

Up to now, I would still get attacks (I really call it that way!) but not as frequent as before. My last attack was morning of July 27 2008, upon waking up. After that, I never had another one again. And I believe that I’ll never have again. co’z I know GOD has already healed me. I know I do believe. :]



..jeszieBoy
..my heart is so healthy now! I wish. :]